Tinder users devastated to leave EU singles market

As part of the unforeseen fallout from Brexit Tinder users across the United Kingdom have been disappointed to learn they will be leaving the EU singles market.

Already nicknamed by commentators ‘Trexit’ for short, the development was revealed by David Davis Tuesday evening.

Tinder’s singles market is the most profitable and most intimate trade between EU countries.

Trexit could lower the sexual returns of British singles by up to 40%.

The Whip
asked Tinder expert Professor Hugh Brady why he thought the Tinderers are so worried.

‘Studies have shown that European singles receive an extra 15% of likes, and a staggering 50% extra superlikes from British Tinderers such as myself.

‘There are several reasons for this: sexy, incomprehensible [emphasis his] accents, continental allure and a hope that, being foreign, they might mistake my excruciating lack of social skills for dry, British humour.

‘Have you ever met a butters Swedish woman?’

Dorset fisherman Michael Blackwood disagrees. He hopes that leaving the EU will encourage local romances.

‘I haven’t had sex since 1973, when the bloody French started coming here and shagging all our women.’

One thing’s for sure: there is a very real risk that Brexit will leave us stranded in the British rain without a Tinderella.

Fergus Horsfall