Paradise Papers reveal Wills residents hiding cash offshore in Thekla

A huge leak of financial documents Tuesday evening has exposed residents of Wills Hall, Stoke Bishop, as using popular marine venue Thekla to protect their cash from high tax rates.

Although no-one has yet been charged, the leak details how one first year avoided paying tax on forty Waitrose Essentials tiramisu, a 3000 square foot Clifton flat, and his total ignorance of social responsibility.

A spokesman for Barnaby Chopperly, who was named in the dossier, released a statement Wednesday morning.

‘I would also like to make clear how Mr Chopperly doesn’t even like going to Thekla that much. In fact, he usually prefers a cool, expensive glass of Grey Goose vodka in a booth at Pryzm – particularly when it is succeeded by a jar of Fortnum & Mason goose liver pâté and a lonely wank upon his return to Wills.’

Labour leader Jermey Corbyn has called for those implicated to apologise.

‘These people need to realise what harbouring money like a scurry of fucking squirrels does to our society,’ began his statement, ‘it places them amongst the ranks of pricks such as Lewis Hamilton, the Trump administration and even – and I don’t say this lightly – Bono.’

Many now await to see what effects, if any, the papers will have upon the culture of student tax evasion, but there is certainly widespread shock that the super rich have expressed, covertly, desire to continue not paying tax.

Ben Hambro