‘Grow up!’ says 30-year-old senior resident still living with teenagers

To stress the importance of ‘keeping the noise down’, it has emerged that Derek Wilson, a grown man living in an institution for freshers, yesterday urged his six adolescent flatmates to ‘grow up’.

Derek, a Senior Resident at Wills Hall, reportedly followed this comment with a suggestion that the students should ‘get in the real world’.

The Whip caught up with Derek to confirm these allegations, as he returned from one of the two fully catered three-course meals he receives every day.

‘Yeah, these kids just don’t get what it’s like’ he said, leaning back on the chair in the corner of his furnished flat, which he rents at a 75% reduced rate.

‘They need to take some responsibility for their surroundings’ he added, raising his voice above the whirr of the hoover as three members of staff cleaned his kitchen and bathroom.

Derek joined Wills Hall as a Sociology fresher in 2010. Upon graduating he moved back to his hometown of Berwick-upon-Tweed in Northumberland, where he took two gap years. He then returned to Wills Hall as a Senior Resident where he completed his Masters.

Derek is now gaining a PhD. He is enjoying his seventh year living in Wills, and his thirtieth year in total denial of the world around him.

When asked, he didn’t recognise the phrases ‘tax return’ or ‘job application’ and was unable to specify between the contents of black and blue wheelie bins.

Imogen Sewell