‘Valentine’s Day is a capitalist construct’ sobs lonely, unwanted second year
The Whip this morning caught up with Max Packer. The second year student yesterday requested an interview in order to share his views on today’s controversial holiday.
We visited Max at his Redland residence, where he was found lying in bed surrounded by used tissues, bottles of red wine and empty tubs of Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food. Paused on his laptop was the 2004 classic rom-com sequel, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason.
‘Love is just a myth invented by Walt Disney’ he began, drying his eyes with his ex-girlfriend’s t-shirt.
‘I’d really rather just focus on myself, y’know? Ever since the love of my life jilted me two days ago, I’ve seen the light and realised that Valentines Day is all a farce invented by Hallmark to make us spend money and be another cog in the capitalist machine.
‘I’m actually pleased I’m single’ he continued, pausing the universal anthem of the heartbroken, Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’.
‘It means I don’t have to be a part of the horrific institution celebrating the mutual love, genuine attraction and deep-rooted respect for another person. Dodged a bullet! I do just wish I could return the mini-break package to Paris, though.
‘I literally don’t care at all, whatsoever. Yeah, by lying here in bed and weeping I’m really sticking it to the man.’
Max promised us that plans for an anti-Valentines rally would begin as soon as he was done compiling a ‘memory box’ commemorating his former relationship.
- 1‘It’s just a friend mum!’: student dropped off in Redland moves seamlessly from family car into back seat of black BMW
- 2Loser condemned to 3 years of friendless misery after posting in fresher Facebook group
- 3First year books 19 haircuts to practise small talk for freshers week
- 4Mums buying recipe books completely oblivious of sons’ plans to eat frozen pizza for rest of life
- 5Massive pile of bills on doormat traced back to great-grandtenants