Intoxicated traffic cone kidnaps and puts student on head after big Triangle night

First year Civil Engineering student Tom Ryle was kidnapped by what was believed to be a group of intoxicated traffic cones last night at the Triangle.

The incident took place at around 2:30am outside Lola Lo’s. Eyewitness accounts described a clearly over-the-limit group of traffic cones exit the club and approach the student at Jason Donervan.

The drunken gang of road markers followed the innocent Badock man back to Stoke Bishop with the presumed aim of smuggling him away as a trophy to confirm their night out was veritably classic.

As Ryle neared his halls, he was forcefully kidnapped and taken back to the Harbourside – an area renowned for its high density of cones.

Avon and Somerset police have released a statement confirming the safety of Ryle after deploying a ‘traffic task force’ in the early hours of this morning.

Many citizens have expressed concern regarding the recent rise in cone crime and have demanded action be taken by the police.

The representative for cones in Bristol, Maria McCone, responded to the incident via a series of tweets. She expressed condolences for Ryle and those affected by the incident, and raised the issue of ongoing tensions between humans and cones within Bristol.

Tom Penney