English lecturer better striker than Morata

Today, the PFA has announced that senior English literature lecturer Robert Duggan is ahead of Chelsea forward Alvaro Morata in the association’s official rankings for the year’s top striker.

In a statement to The Whip, PFA President Gordon Taylor drew numerous similarities between the Blues’ record signing and the Bristol staff member, explaining why this was an unsurprising turn of events.

‘Well for starters, their ability to simply not do their job is second-to-none – unparalleled across both the sporting and the academic world.

‘At least Duggan has consistency. He’s been an ever-present force in Bristol’s strike action, whereas Morata has only started one in six’ Taylor continued.

Adaptability is also understood to be a major factor in the decision, with the president lamenting Morata’s limited range of positions.

‘Duggan’s versatile. It doesn’t matter whether he’s at the back of the pack, leading the march, or guilt-tripping students from the picket line – he makes his presence known. He’s also shown exceptional aptitude for tea making, inventing catchy chants and DIY banner construction!’

‘Morata might want to think about upping his game in these particular fields to be in with a chance of clinching the top spot.’

With everything to play for, the eyes of the public will be on the pair.