Student excited by prospect of ‘three-week vegetable bender’ at home

Students across the country are preparing for the tri-annual opportunity to binge on food which doesn’t come with a side of fries, a sachet of powdered ‘meat’, or a warning from the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs.

It is widely acknowledged that majority of students return home during university holidays simply for the quantity of free food available. Vegetables, a premium commodity during the term time, become accessible to those whose budgets usually doesn’t extend to anything with leaves.

Come the end of term, many can be found on all fours, forcing themselves to eat dastardly sprout after dastardly sprout.

The Whip spoke to one such student, Chloe Pastore, from Berkshire, who commented she ‘couldn’t wait to get home, get a head of broccoli in each hand, and just go nuts.

‘I haven’t seen un-grease-soaked vegetation since Christmas, I’ve almost forgotten the sonorous crunch of a sweet stick of celery. Easter used to be about the chocolate. You know what, though? Nowadays it’s all about the cabbage.

‘My diet’s been tinnies and fusilli for about ten weeks now and I think I might have contracted scurvy, like an eighteenth-century spice tradesman, so the break’s come at a good time for me.’

Other students seemed more apprehensive about the return to healthy eating at their parents’ expense, including philosophy student Darryl Cartman, who explained, ‘What shocks me about vegetables is how quickly they get you.

‘I always try to maintain my unhealthy lifestyle when I return home, but it’s only a matter of time before the inevitable gravity of vegetation draws me in. Before I know it, I’m down the farm shop, pockets full of kale, spending my drug allowance on organic cauliflower.

‘I’m going to have to take so much coke after the holidays to get that healthy gunk out of my system.’

Nick Tallon