15 easy ways to recreate the Bristol Uni study space atmosphere in your own home

1. Arrange a group of friends to sit in every seat in the house so you can never find anywhere to work

2. Destroy half the plug sockets with a hammer to make charging your laptop a virtually impossible task

3. Pay a younger sibling and a few of their school friends to walk around whispering to distract you from studying

4. Paint a large grid of ‘no smoking’ signs on your patio and front garden

5. Periodically shut down your bathrooms for cleaning, ensure all are closed at the same time a number of times a day

6. Buy a plug-socket timer to turn off the house WiFi, which should be renamed Eduroam, every 15 minutes

7. Fashion, with A4 paper and a laminater, UCards for every member of your family

8. Build a registration desk just inside your front door with any spare furniture, like your parents’ bed

9. Hire a family friend to man the registration desk and assist your parents if they have any queries at all about loaning a book from their bookshelf

10. Demand anyone who enters, from outside your family, ‘sign in’ at the registration desk, as they do not have a UCard

11. Remind them they can buy a new one from Security Services, located in the downstairs toilet

12. Insist your parents wear some combination of clothes from the following list: beret, stripe Vans, puffa, flares, left hoop earring, rolled-up straight leg jeans, very small beanies, white socks, zipped fleece

13. Charge £2.80 for instant coffee. £5.50 for homemade sandwiches, name the sandwich something irritating and bizarre, like ‘The Cheese Knees’

14. Fine anyone who begins a sentence with words which do not start with: ‘Ohhh my god’, ‘Safe mate’, or ‘Eyyy’

15. Replace all the lamps in your house with sterile strip lights that give everything an insomnia-inducing pallid glow