Bristol University celebrates record diversity after accepting three state school students

A brave policy shift has led to the University of Bristol admitting a three state school pupils into the 2018-19 cohort, representing a 50% increase on last year’s figures. The University had faced criticism after a recent survey revealed it had the third lowest proportion of state school students in the UK.

The lucky students can look forward to three years of being mistaken for drug dealers and wondering why all their friends spend so much but never run out of money.

Vice Chancellor Hugh J. Champagne-Magnum gave a statement to celebrate the news.

‘I’m bloody well pleased, to tell the truth. So good of us to give some of these working class chaps a hand-up. I bet they’re ruddy pleased under those grubby blue collars of theirs. Maybe next year we’ll even let a northerner in!’

Some current students were less pleased. Maya Castles-Large explained why to The Whip.

‘I’m really worried that the University is lowering their standards by letting state school students in. Everyone knows state schools are chronically underfunded and I just don’t see how they could have got in without cheating.

‘My parents spent £250,000 on my education, only for me to end up at the same university as people who didn’t pay anything! It’s just so unfair.’