Geography student given compass and map, still can’t find job

In the latest scandal to engulf the Geography department it has emerged that the majority of final year students could not locate graduate jobs despite being equipped with compasses and an OS map.

The Whip spoke to Michael Enfield, a disgruntled member of the jobless geographical cohort.

‘To be honest it’s a real bloody shambles up in here. I specifically chose to study Geography for its high employability rate, and here I am getting rejected from TFL and the Met Office like a common tart.

‘I completed the Duke of Edinburgh award when I was 16 for two reasons. Firstly, I knew that it would look cracking on my CV – all employers look for veritable orienteering skills from their applicants, or should do at least.

‘Secondly, those expeditions gave me the tactical know-how to operate a compass in a safe and respectful manner, which I absolutely thought would help me find a job in the future. That is absolutely not the case, I can assure you – employers are far more interested in attributes like competence and intellect, neither of which come naturally to me. As such, my future prospects are looking south.

‘If asked, I could find a needle in a haystack armed with nothing but my 2013 Ordnance Survey map; I could find Lord Lucan; fuck it, I could even find the capacity for love in my cold, dead heart. But can I find a company to hire me and my non-vocational degree? No. Jesus Christ, no.’