Chemists redefine ‘absolute zero’ as the number of seats available in the ASS
The entire scientific community was left speechless this morning after news emerged that the lower limit of the thermodynamic scale been totally redefined.
A research team at the University of Bristol’s Chemistry department published their results today concluding that ‘absolute zero’ no longer means -273.15 degrees celsius, but is actually the exact number of available seats in the ASS library during exam season.
It is not yet certain how a concept previously illustrating the temperature at which the fundamental particles of nature have minimal vibrational motion, has now been rebranded to mean the number of uncomfortable chairs in a dingy study space on Tyndall Avenue.
The Whip contacted Dr Richard Schofield, who led the research group, in order to clarify the importance of the discovery.
‘We knew that this was going to be a fairly groundbreaking paper. The decision to challenge the intrinsic meaning of such a fundamental principle was always going to yield some shocking results.
‘What really got us sweating through our lab coats was the fact that a concept, previously bound to the continuous measure of temperature has been totally turned on its head! It turns out the phrase ‘absolute zero’ is far more accurately defined as the total number of seats that students that aren’t doing real degrees like the sciences can perch upon. Staggering!
‘Obviously none of us Chemists have ever dared venture into that academic cathedral of apathetic mediocracy, but we’ve all heard the rumours. Apparently it’s always totally packed!’
The further implications of this discovery are yet to be fully realised but many academics throughout the department are all already postulating several theories.
One hypothesis is that ‘perpetual motion’ may in fact be a Bristol second year with a serious drug problem. Another argument and that ‘gravity’, previously hailed as a central linchpin of classical mechanics, might actually be an awful club on the Clifton Triangle.
- 1North London fresher’s attempt to start anew ruined as entire sixth form moves to Bristol
- 2Fresher dismayed to find cacti, scratch map and wall hanging not actually substitute for personality
- 3‘It’s just a friend mum!’: student dropped off in Redland moves seamlessly from family car into back seat of black BMW
- 4Freshers caught frantically burning skinny jeans under cover of darkness
- 5Loser condemned to 3 years of friendless misery after posting in fresher Facebook group