Sun bigger disruption to student productivity than strikes

Our solar system’s star, the sun, located in the Orion arm of the Milky Way, has resulted in far more disruption in the day-to-day work of Bristol students than weeks and weeks of academic industrial action, a university report revealed this morning.

University strikes ruined the work output of students after thousands of hours of cancelled lectures, seminars and labs throughout Teaching Block 2, with many now demanding extenuating circumstances accreditation and marks bonuses. It also led to the a majority of staff not working for a month as the protracted mediation procedure became ever more entrenched.

That disruption pales in comparison with what the sun has done over the last two days, however.

It is known for producing vitamins D in humans, being crucial to the existence of all life, and dragging people – often against their will – to green spaces, the great outdoors. Students are particularly susceptible to this phenomenon, with the speed and rate of dragging closely correlated with how annoyed individual’s lecturers, seminar leaders and lab partners might get if one sacks it all off in favour of some sweet cans with the dudes.

It is this action which has disrupted the work of students and staff alike to an unprecedented degree, leading to literally nothing being done today. That – the university report conceded – was definitely fair enough.