Churchill student ‘gutted’ to lose place as fifth in line to the throne

As news broke on Monday of the birth of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s third child, reports emerged of chaos in
Churchill Hall.

According to our sources, hoards of the undergrad took to frantically pillaging the archives of the British Library to find out where they have slipped to in the ceremonial ribbon-cutting order.

During the carnage, The Whip managed to speak to first year Churchill resident, Albert Hoopington-Loplley, who, until this week, was fifth in line to the throne.

‘Mate, I’m completely gutted. It’s just so unfair you know? I was sure that dank orb and sceptre were going to be mine after I finished my internship at dad’s bank.

‘I’ve done so well at hiding in plain sight as well. For years I’ve lurked in my Reebok classics, blue jeans and fleece like a cat amongst the pigeons; waiting, hoping, dreaming of the day when I could elevate the entire cast of Made in Chelsea to the House of Lords.

‘There’re only so many bags of Golden Virginia you can chong through before you admit defeat and realise that the Commonwealth simply wont be yours, whatever the fuck that is.

‘I guess I’ll just have to settle for that shitty estate in Ayrshire. I probably won’t even get a sick title or anything either. Fuck, this is so embarrassing, I’m going to get roasted in St Trop this summer’.