Considerate library tablemate brings enough tuna for everyone

University of Bristol student and unashamed fish fanatic Carrie Gilligan was duly thanked by her lucky tablemates yesterday after they were pleasantly surprised to find she had enough tuna about her person to feed not only herself, but several other hungry revisers.

Carrie, a second year studying biology, told a Whip reporter this morning that she doesn’t even consider making a trip into the ASS nowadays without at least 10 extra portions of canned seafood.

She explained ‘sometimes I think back to the days when I used to go to the library with only enough tuna for myself. Two words to describe THAT Carrie – selfish and naïve!’

She continued, ‘I started to notice that every time I got my lunch out, people would look at me and grimace. So embarrassing. They must’ve been thinking ‘oh god, I can’t believe she’s not sharing all that lovely, yummy tuna with us, what a first class fuckhead!’’. Laughing, she added ‘but that’s all changed now’.

Luckily for avid ASS-goers, Carrie’s briny altruism knows no bounds. ‘I’ve really expanded my menu options after the positive feedback’ she giggled excitedly. ‘If all goes to plan, next week I’ll be bringing in soups, salads, and three thousand fermented duck eggs. Hopefully they’ll go down just as well!’

For readers anxious they might miss out on a tasty trip to tuna town if they can’t get one of the in-demand seats at Carrie’s table, there’s no need to worry. She will be providing food for all students working in what she calls the OBR (odour blast radius).

‘If its tuna you smell and its tuna you need, just give me a yell and I’ll make sure you feed!’ Carrie commented enthusiastically.

Unfortunately after hearing this remark, what doctors have described as a ‘full body cringe’ rendered our reporter conducting the interview completely immobile. He was immediately admitted to hospital. Updates on his condition will follow.

Aaron Drapkin