Final year student realises next guaranteed source of income is state pension in 46 years’ time
Adam Wilks, a soon-to-be-graduating third year, was yesterday brought crashing down to earth at the realisation that he had received his last ever instalment of free money.
According to our sources, the English student is struggling to come to terms with the harsh and bitter reality that the lavish student lifestyle he’s been enjoying for the last three years is coming to an end.
Adam took some time to catch up with The Whip to discuss this daunting prospect.
‘It just didn’t occur to me that when SFE sent me that text back in April it would be our last correspondence’ he expressed to one reporter, ‘I guess you just don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.
‘I’m truly worried about how I’m going to fund my Deliveroo, Uber and cocaine habits without regularly receiving money from the government, no questions asked.
‘I haven’t ever felt this alone since being sat in my kitchen in Redland during the strikes, and I live with three Engineers, who are basically mutes anyway.’
The Whip‘s in-house accountants have suggested to Ben that the only income he can now guarantee is the universal state pension, which he is set to receive in 2064. These calculations point to the absolute uselessness of his degree, which has left him with a startling ability to analyse eighteenth-century literature, but unequivocally no real-life skills.
- 1North London fresher’s attempt to start anew ruined as entire sixth form moves to Bristol
- 2Fresher dismayed to find cacti, scratch map and wall hanging not actually substitute for personality
- 3Freshers caught frantically burning skinny jeans under cover of darkness
- 4‘The Noise Pages’ takes matters into their own hands, burns down High Kingsdown
- 5‘It’s just a friend mum!’: student dropped off in Redland moves seamlessly from family car into back seat of black BMW