Loser condemned to 3 years of friendless misery after posting in fresher Facebook group

Disaster struck this morning for incoming fresher, Ralph Windhurst. The eighteen-year-old, originally from Norfolk, fell at university’s first social hurdle by posting a heartfelt introductory message on a Facebook group full of new students. 

Sources state the message was sent to an online community of soon-to-be Orchard Heights Hall residents. This socially crippling move has been described by the accommodation’s Student Support and Welfare Officer Kate Blumes as “something only a proper gimp would do.”

The Whip caught up with the cringe culprit this morning.

“I was just so keen to make friends’’ the socially inept Geology student explained. ‘‘I don’t know anyone at Bristol. I foolishly thought posting a quick hello for the hall to read would give me a head start at university.’’

‘‘In reality it’s had quite the opposite effect. Everyone’s commented calling me a ‘melt’. The whole accommodation is laughing at me, and on reflection, probably rightly so.’’

The abuse received has already forced Ralph to reconsider where he takes his degree. “I think my only option is to drop out and start again at a different university. Perhaps in a country that has no internet access. Hopefully I won’t make the same mistake again.’’

He continued: “or maybe North Korea or Turkmenistan – they might censor my speech so heavily that people actually start to like me.’’

“My tutor has already emailed saying how he won’t run seminars for such a wet reject’’ Ralph whimpered, “and my mum’s cropped me out of her profile picture.’’