Insensitive Sister Sledge to play ‘We are family’ to thousands of tired, homesick freshers

This Sunday evening, Tokyo World headliners Sister Sledge are set to perform their smash hit “We Are Family” to an army of 19 year olds, who all massively miss their parents.

The disco-soul veterans are best known for their exquisite blend of funky bass lines and ecstatic vocals. But this weekend, the 1979 chart topping single is likely to fall on slightly less joyful ears. As scores of freshers come to the joint conclusion that they all actually really miss their mums, the theme of ‘family unity’ that runs through the song is likely to cause widespread upset.

The Whip reached out to 1st year geography student, Hugo, for a comment: “I just think it’s a bit not-on really.” He argued, “I’m only going to Tokyo World to hoover down an assortment of amphetamines, icing sugar and glass. I don’t want a couple of has-beens from the 70s reminding me how much I wish I was back in Hampshire with mummy, daddy and our Labrador Victor.

“Why do they have to kill the vibe like this? Just stick Skepta on the bill so I can hide all my pre-uni anxiety behind a nice cosy blanket of bucket hats, vintage sportswear and lager.”

In response to these concerns, the team at Eastville Park is putting extra policies in place for Sunday night. As the serotonin levels of 20,000 teenage brains nosedive faster than you can say, “got a key mate?”, event staff will be on standby to hand out tissues, cups of tea, homemade shortbread and postcards of the Home Counties.