Fresher dismayed to find cacti, scratch map and wall hanging not actually substitute for personality

This week, hundreds of freshers around Bristol will be starting their university experience eager to carve out a new identity. However, this task is often more challenging than it looks.

One crest fallen student found this out the hard way yesterday after he was informed that his unoriginal collection of accommodation furnishings were not actually a substitute for a real personality. The Whip was granted an interview with the undergraduate earlier today.

“I was really looking forward to reinventing myself when I got to Bristol, you know’’ 18-year-old Benjy Goodman snivelled.

“And by reinventing myself, I mean purchasing the three things every single halls resident has in their room.’’ He continued “I didn’t really think I’d need anything else to transform into a completely different person. Massive mistake.’’

The recently inducted english student is thought to be one of many first years to have been lulled into a false sense of ingenuity, only to find on arrival to university that they are but one clone in an army of pseudo-edgy sixth-formers that create living spaces only Zoella could still feel original in. Benjy took us through this process.

“The first thing I bought was the three min-cacti from IKEA, which I thought would show I’m obviously a big fan of plants and stuff’’ He explained. “Then I bought the scratch map, which shows I like travelling, and the wall hanging, which shows I like poor imitations of traditional Indian embroidery.’’ Head in hands, the fresher concluded “I’m just gobsmacked everyone else having the exact same idea has hindered my attempt to be individual.’’

The Whip understands Mr. Goodman purchased several sticks of incense, a dream catcher and a Motion poster in an effort to solve his problem, but soon realised this was counterproductive.