Renegade fresher makes ‘Big Talk’ in club smoking area

Two nights ago in a club in Clifton, a first year student left onlookers baffled as she refused to partake in idle small talk and instead performed a manoeuvre that many are calling, ‘The Big Talk’. Quite what this entails is unclear, as almost all eyewitnesses have refused to speak since.

The event reportedly took place in the smoking area of Lola
Lo’s, who have refused to comment on the matter. The identity and whereabouts
of this student remain unknown.

The Whip managed
to contact an eyewitness who was unwilling to speak to us but agreed to scrawl
responses to our questions on a handy mini-whiteboard we had with us:

What can you tell us about this talk?

“It was big. Really big.”

What made it such ‘Big’ talk?

“The size of it probably. That size being big.”

Why has this ‘Big Talk’ rendered you and many others
speechless?

“Everything we say is small. Barely worth mentioning. You
can’t just come in here with a colossal convo, chat, and leave. But she came,
and she chatted, and she left.”

Do you think you just don’t ask enough questions?

“I only ask little ones like ‘What A-levels did you do?’ and
‘Where does your lap go when you stand up?’ It’s just too risky to ask anything
bigger.”

And how would you characterise the unknown instigator of this event? 

“Tall.”

Oh, alright.      

As confusion grows through the student body, this instigator
is still at large. We urge any club-going students to stay safe, alert, and to
keep making small talk at all costs.