North London fresher’s attempt to start anew ruined as entire sixth form moves to Bristol

A Finchley-born fresher was left disappointed last week after her attempt to reinvent her personality on arrival to Bristol was promptly scuppered after her entire sixth form joined her in her relocation to the southwest.

Hannah Holmes-Batterby, 18, was reportedly seeking a ‘fresh start’, but must now deal with the crushing reality of maintaining compulsory social ties with an averagely interesting group of people for three more gruelling years. The Whip caught up with Hannah to see how she was coping.

“Some people have uni friends AND home friends. And they’re completely different groups of people. It’s not fair.”

The politics student complained, “my school mates are just concerned about their image, it’s really quite pathetic. They just care about what other people think, and they need to grow up. And not be here. Because I’m here.”

She continued, “how is anyone going to think I’m cool if there’s people around to constantly call out my lies? It’s pretty hard to pretend you’ve loved acid jazz since you were 12 when you’ve got Esme sitting next to you scrolling through pictures of the N-dubz concert you went to with her in year 9.”

Research has suggested that Hannah’s experience is more common than previously thought, which has prompted the University of Bristol to launch their new ‘Branching out’ programme. Specifically targeted at over-privileged students from the most pretentious boroughs of North London, the course includes modules such as ‘Interacting with state schoolers’, ‘What’s north of Barnet?’ and ‘Brunch: how to kick the habit’.