Freshers queue to secure next three years of junk mail

The Durdham Downs were a scene of chaos today as a new wave of Bristol students queued, clamoured and fought for the right to receive thousands of emails they’ll never open. 

Hungover undergraduates flocked en masse to the infamous junk mail convention ‘the Freshers Fair’, hoping to make their way onto as many mailing lists as possible, all whilst engaging in minimal contact with overly enthusiastic committee members.

The Whip caught up with one such tenacious form-filler, Maths student Steven Bryce.

“There’s just so much choice. I mean, martial arts, sports, journalism – each one exactly the kind of thing I want clogging up my inbox. It’s hard to decide which representative I’ll ignore first whilst I rapidly scribble my name down and move on!”

He continued, “with all this GDPR palaver, I’ve barely received any unwanted, superfluous messages from organisations I want little to no contact with. Time to put that right!’’

Others were equally excited to secure their spam:

“I can’t wait to choose the society I go to for two weeks, drop entirely from my schedule, and then receive emails from for the rest of my life” said wannabe-lawyer Lucy Davies.

“That is assuming I can even use a computer – I can barely lift my arms after writing my email address down seven hundred times.”

The Whip understands that the number of RSI-related university absences is set to triple over the next few weeks as a result of this frantic yet futile endeavour.