Christian Union giving away free burgers, ice cream and eternal salvation

With freshers’ week upon us again, and the inevitable giveaway of freebies, Bristol Christian Union have devised an ingenious way to outdo the competition.

Confident that they can offer something that nobody else can, they have been spotted at the bottom of Woodland Road giving away not only free fingerfood and friendly chitchat, but also eternal salvation.

Speaking with The Whip yesterday, a spokesperson told us, “we’ve been struggling a bit to get people to join our ranks, I guess the burgers alone weren’t enough to get people to change their entire worldview, especially with so much other food being given away. But I can guarantee that none of these other pretenders can offer something as good as this. Who wants a slice of ruddy Domino’s when you can have a slice of absolution of all sins?!”

When asked about what it was like to receive the gift of eternal salvation, one Hiatt Baker first-year told The Whip, “I suddenly felt this wave of calmness and euphoria come over me, my hangover disappeared. It’s as if all of the sins from the night before had been undone. I just can’t wait to get down to the multifaith chaplaincy for some more mildly overdone burgers and top-notch salvation.”

While it remains to be seen whether this approach will prove successful in the long run for recruiting members of the congregation, ice cream and burger giveaways have gone through the roof, much to the dismay of Domino’s Pizza’s Bristol branch.