Only 12 years to limit ‘catastrophic’ temperature rises in Beaver Works basement, UN warns

A new report from the United Nations suggests that there is only a dozen years for the dramatically increasing temperatures of Beaver Works to be kept from rising 1.5C. Unless authorities take further action, the already sweltering cesspit will become completely un-enterable. 

The landmark study, which predicts that the devastating effects of a changing climate are likely earlier than anticipated, comes as a big shock to students who hope to be raving in the beloved room well into their fifties.

The authors found that if emissions continue to rise at the current rate, the Earth’s temperature will warm up by 1.5 degrees Celsius above preindustrial levels by 2040. This extra heat will turn the basement zone from “dangerously sweaty” to “impossible to safely two-step in”, warn experts.

The study also warns of global food shortages and a mass die-off of coral reefs by 2040. However, these issues aren’t likely to register with Leeds students in the same way as the closure of such a treasured clubbing area will.

Since issuing the report, scientists on the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change have vowed to try and have “one last big one” in Leeds’ most industrial room, before the devastating effects of global warming make such a thing sadly impossible.