Busted! Hundreds of Bristol students’ grad schemes revealed to be Dad schemes

Graduate schemes are commonly assumed to be only attainable
by grit, determination, and an overactive LinkedIn presence. However, a
shocking report this morning has exposed hundreds of Bristol student graduate
schemes to, in fact, be products of pure, unwavering nepotism.

The news has come as a shock to many unsuccessful
applicants, who previously thought that they had lost out to better-qualified
candidates, instead of well-connected rotters.

One anonymous source, who received his rejection letter
earlier this week, told The Whip that the report has affected more than just
his job prospects.

“One of my closest friends got a place on a scheme named in
the report.”, He sobbed, “But she’d told me that it was down to her extensive
networking and refined skill set. I’d thought that the fact she shared a name
with two named partners was just a funny coincidence, something to raise a
smile about. But I’m not smiling now, I feel betrayed.”

The jealous confidante was unable to continue with the
interview, and walked off muttering about double barrel surnames and a careers
service conspiracy.

Many however, rushed to support those of high patronage. One
recent gradschemer Alain Montfort dismissed any claims of favouritism on Twitter,
stating,

“This report is nonsense, my application was thorough, I had my DofE bronze on there, my UCAS points, even a list of potential fathers’ day presents. I think rejection is just a #bitter pill that some people have to #swallow.”

Although many are outraged, The Whip understands that this report is likely to change nothing.