Footprints left by Fila ‘Disruptors’ spark international search for Sasquatch

Though most sightings of the mythologised ‘Bigfoot’ emanate
from North-Western America, mysterious footprints around the University of
Bristol campus have given researchers reason to believe that the Sasquatch may
have crossed the Atlantic. Controversy lies in his peculiar choice of footwear,
however, as his prints appear oddly reminiscent of a popular Fila sneaker.

To get to the bottom of this, Bristol’s Department of Anthropology
and Archaeology have recruited some of their finest undergraduates to analyse
the imprints. One member of the crack team of investigators, third year Selina Lynton,
briefed The Whip.

“The culprit may not be acting alone. We have reason to
believe that a larger posse of Fila-clad monsters could be stomping the Clifton
area.

“There are often misidentifications and hoaxes of
bigfoot-esque creatures. At this stage, we are unsure whether these
hefty-hooved, clodhopping footprints have been created by students donning ‘Disruptor’
trainers or perhaps by a larger, rather stylish creature.”

The student informed us that the search to track down the
suspects extends to the Downs, Brandon Hill Park and the ASS Library Green. The
team conducting the investigation, wearing welding masks and PPE (Personal
Protective Eyewear), are working tirelessly to find the Bristol Bigfoot at all
costs.

The Whip has also
heard substantial allegations that there may be a correlation between a city
centre branch of Urban Outfitters being recently raided and this
print-spreading pandemonium. Only time, and this comprehensive investigation,
will tell.