Student with nut allergy accidentally stabs self with Epigram, dies of boredom
A student who went into anaphylactic shock yesterday morning is sadly no longer with us after accidentally impaling themselves with this week’s copy of Bristol’s most unintentionally underground publication, Epigram. James Holsey, 19, fell victim to his own fatal confusion after his medicinal shank was unknowingly mistaken for something much less piercing.
Coroners on the scene revealed that the undergraduate’s reaction to several baby cashews carelessly omitted from an otherwise accurate brunch menu would have been ‘mild’ and importantly ‘non-fatal’. The cause of death, they concluded, was more than likely related to the student newspaper lodged in their right thigh.
The Whip was granted an interview with one of the doctors in charge of the post-mortem analysis. “We can confirm that the deceased did not die as a result of some sort of allergic reaction” she explained.
“Instead, my team postulates that the victim passed away shortly after his chaotic attempt to self-administer his prescribed medication.” She concluded: “after Epigram came into contact with his blood stream through the lesion created in his leg, a complete shutdown of the part of the brain that controls your ability to find things interesting occurred. The boy died of boredom.”
Surprisingly, when asked to comment, Epigram seemed generally upbeat about the situation. One spokesperson, Sarah Johnson, said:
“We’ve never, ever had our finger on the pulse of popular culture, let alone stopped one from beating. This is new territory for us!”
However, the paper has since apologised to the family and friends of the departed after realising James was their only reader, and the only person in the world that had both picked up and also retained a print copy of the publication.
- 1North London fresher’s attempt to start anew ruined as entire sixth form moves to Bristol
- 2Fresher dismayed to find cacti, scratch map and wall hanging not actually substitute for personality
- 3‘The Noise Pages’ takes matters into their own hands, burns down High Kingsdown
- 4Freshers caught frantically burning skinny jeans under cover of darkness
- 5‘It’s just a friend mum!’: student dropped off in Redland moves seamlessly from family car into back seat of black BMW