Homophobic, colour-blind fresher dismayed to find out lanyard is rainbow coloured

The defining mark of any first year – the UoB lanyard – has
caused controversy this week after rambunctious, regressive, pre-pubescent
first year Miles Brandforth was informed of the vibrant rainbow colour scheme
used on the material.

The undergraduate revealed he had not, until recently,
acknowledged the multi-hued print due to a debilitating case of
colour-blindness, which has blighted him since his youth. However, sources
close to Mr. Brandforth explained that, when the lanyard’s true colours were
revealed, so were his – taking issue with it due to his somewhat unsavoury
social views.

The Whip reached
out to one of his flatmates to learn more.

In a statement, the anonymous commenter said that the
fresher, “Just doesn’t like OMG that much” and that he, “Almost certainly
suffers with a fragile masculinity complex”.

“He failed rugby trials and has only just stopped wearing
his leaver’s hoodie so we’re hoping he’ll grow out of his arcane views soon
enough”, the flatmate remarked, “The fact he was wearing his lanyard at all was
embarrassing enough. He definitely got funny looks for that!”

Continuing, she shook her head, “Basically, he’s not of
these London types. He’s from a small town and hasn’t had much exposure to the
real world. He’s definitely in denial about this – he’s always trying to assure
us that he’s a ‘totally normal guy’ after his four Sixth Form nights out prior
to university.”

The Whip has also learnt that, since starting university,
the colour-blind Miles has not had the smoothest of journeys. Barely half way
through October he has already confused lemons for limes at pres, bananas for
sex toys in Sainsbury’s, and got very, very confused at a recent ‘traffic
light’ party.