Homophobic, colour-blind fresher dismayed to find out lanyard is rainbow coloured
The defining mark of any first year – the UoB lanyard – has caused controversy this week after rambunctious, regressive, pre-pubescent first year Miles Brandforth was informed of the vibrant rainbow colour scheme used on the material.
The undergraduate revealed he had not, until recently, acknowledged the multi-hued print due to a debilitating case of colour-blindness, which has blighted him since his youth. However, sources close to Mr. Brandforth explained that, when the lanyard’s true colours were revealed, so were his – taking issue with it due to his somewhat unsavoury social views.
The Whip reached out to one of his flatmates to learn more.
In a statement, the anonymous commenter said that the fresher, “Just doesn’t like OMG that much” and that he, “Almost certainly suffers with a fragile masculinity complex”.
“He failed rugby trials and has only just stopped wearing his leaver’s hoodie so we’re hoping he’ll grow out of his arcane views soon enough”, the flatmate remarked, “The fact he was wearing his lanyard at all was embarrassing enough. He definitely got funny looks for that!”
Continuing, she shook her head, “Basically, he’s not of these London types. He’s from a small town and hasn’t had much exposure to the real world. He’s definitely in denial about this – he’s always trying to assure us that he’s a ‘totally normal guy’ after his four Sixth Form nights out prior to university.”
The Whip has also learnt that, since starting university, the colour-blind Miles has not had the smoothest of journeys. Barely half way through October he has already confused lemons for limes at pres, bananas for sex toys in Sainsbury’s, and got very, very confused at a recent ‘traffic light’ party.
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