“Terrifying” – rugby player planning to come as himself for Halloween sports night

In a timely twist of fate, Halloween falls on the scariest night of the undergraduate week, sports night. As hordes of burly males and females plan to flock to the triangle dressed as crunchy nut cornflakes and long stem broccoli, both common courtesy and self-restraint are expected to reach record lows for this time of year.

One crafty undergraduate is feeling particularly well prepared for the drink-fuelled fancy dress fiasco. George Brisket, aka ‘the tumble dryer’, a second-year Rugby boy and chief contributor of distasteful and unoriginal banter, had an ingenious outfit idea whilst he was home in Oxfordshire for the weekend. The Whip caught up with the him during his mother’s bi-weekly Ocado order.

As he added £125 Don Julio tequila to his basket without asking or saying thank you, he told our reporter “I’ve been racking my brains trying to work out what to wear to scare the boys this Halloween. Then I thought, hey! I have a questionable moral compass! I could come as myself on Wednesday.”

Continuing, he remarked “I think it’s a fairly epic take on what Halloween means. Every time I use excretal matter as a source of comedy, par off a girl I really like in front of my teammates or chant incessantly in quiet, residential areas l realise that I am an obstacle to progress in modern society. In a cool, abstract kind of way, I am Halloween.’

Back in Bristol, a student who has already experienced George in action as himself gave us an insight to how his clever costume might pan out:

“I was just having fun with my friends in Gravity last week when I was approached by Mr. Brisket in a fitted shirt, beige chinos and an overpowering whiff of entitlement. He bought me a VK on his Gravity tab, drank it himself , told me I looked like a fitter version of his sister and then tried to get with me.”

She concluded “If his Halloween get-up is in any way an accurate recreation of this, he’ll win my vote for scariest costume.”