“It’s a curse”: The tale of the student who can’t stop attaching his CV to things
“I wish I could say that I wasn’t to blame, but I know I am.”
our interviewee, Dennis Simmonds began, “I’m very proactive, and a go-getter,
of course it was my own fault.
“They say you always remember the day the downward spiral
started: the moment the addict gets offered their first cigarette, the wax
melting on Icarus’ wings, or the day I got LinkedIn. It was this new thing on
the market that my friend introduced me to, it seemed to open so many doors,
and it just felt so good.
“It started as just the classics, summer internships, maybe
a couple of grad-scheme applications – I’m proactive, and there’s no hiding it.
Then it felt relevant to attach my CV to an email about applying for positions,
and then another and then another…”
Dennis took a moment, before continuing, “Facebook, Twitter,
BBM, everything. Before I knew it, I was attaching my impressive Curriculum
Vitae to all forms of correspondence – I couldn’t be stopped. Course group
chats, surprise birthday event pages, no one was safe; I felt the world needed
to know how adequately qualified I was.
“It wasn’t long before my qualifications exceeded the bounds
of digitisation – obviously, I like to think outside the box. On my sister’s
ninth birthday I taught her a lesson in not taking anything for granted, she
had to hand out 100 of my business cards to the other children in the school
playground to earn her My Little Pony
Equestria Everyday Doll – don’t let anyone say I’m afraid to delegate, I’m a measured
risk taker and I have faith in my workforce.
“Other ventures have been less successful, I will admit, the
handouts as people left Motion seemed to alienate a few, and my grandmother’s
eulogy has been characterised by some (unfairly, I would argue) as ‘out of
“I’ve had to make sacrifices, I put work above my personal
life and that comes at a cost. I drifted from my friends after they were
unwilling to refer to social interactions as ‘networking’, from my housemates
when I kept asking them for references for taking the bins out, and my relationship
ended after I refused to be intimate with her unless she accepted my pet name
for her, ‘future employer’.
“I’m so alone, but very employable, and that’s just the way it is. It’s a curse, yes, but it’s a cross I’m willing to bear. Thank you for this opportunity, and I hope to hear back from you soon.”
Dennis finished the interview by saying that his one condition for allowing us to publish his transcript was that we include the following image in the article:
- 1North London fresher’s attempt to start anew ruined as entire sixth form moves to Bristol
- 2Fresher dismayed to find cacti, scratch map and wall hanging not actually substitute for personality
- 3Breaking: Theresa May starts filling out extenuating circumstances form
- 4Freshers caught frantically burning skinny jeans under cover of darkness
- 5‘The Noise Pages’ takes matters into their own hands, burns down High Kingsdown