‘I’m insanely stressed with work at the moment’, says student midway through five hour pumpkin carving session

The end of October marks a distinctly spooky point in the student calendar: the start of the chilling and terrifying season of essay deadlines and presentations. 

Students across campus are feeling the pressure to up their game, realising the enormity of academic success and making sacrifices to secure that all-important 2:1. 

The Whip caught up with one such overstretched third year, Jemima Bottle. 

“Some things just have to take priority”, muttered Jemima, carving knife clenched between her teeth whilst disembowelling her seventh seasonal  pumpkin of the day.

“If we can’t take a bit of time out of our busy schedules to commemorate the souls of the dead and respect pagan tradition then what can we do?

“Yeah, I’m stressed – but that’s to be expected at the moment. And either way I’m not certain if my anxiety is related to the sheer volume of work I have to catch up on, or that my third pumpkin doesn’t quite capture the blank yet piercing stare of death itself!”

When asked just how many pumpkins was enough, and whether this was all a procrastinatory rouse to distract her from the very real issues of dissertation hand-ins, prospective employment and economic independence, Jemima refused to comment.