Menace PCSO removes cone from Redvers Buller statue for third night in a row
The Whip regrets to reports on yet another incident of vandalism affecting Hele Road’s iconic statue. Last night, the monument’s much-love conical crown was brutally ripped from the shoulders of Redvers Buller by a community support officer.
The loss of what has for so long been a beacon for commuters and inebriated students alike is being felt throughout the city. At the time of press, the identity of the antisocial officer had not been released, but sources have described them as a “danger to society” and “a right jobsworth.”
“Its absolutely disgusting that we are having this conversation for the third time this week!” raged Birks Grange resident Gregory Blake to our reporter.
“It’s an insult to all those who have fallen whilst attempting to put a cone up there. Leave it up, and abolish the risk of injury! This ‘PCSO’, whatever that means, is basically attacking students, and this can’t go on.”
Recently, the police have been contacted by the National Gallery to formally ratify the provocative sight of statue and cone. This installation will be sponsored by late-night ‘gastronauts’ Mega Kebab, with the prospect of empty chip-boxes and spilled garlic mayo garnishing the base of the statue delighting both appreciators of art, foodies and local foxes.
A petition launched by students has gained serious momentum
after it detailed replacing the original statue with an even larger cone,
topped with a miniature Redvers Buller.
A late-night interview with four art historians stumbling back from a Cheesy Tuesday revealed an insight into the collective student consciousness: “Listen, right” began Richard Wolf, “everyone knows the cone is what we want to see – so why not just have a fuck-off massive cone statue instead? I don”t even know who Bedvers Ruller is.”
- 1North London fresher’s attempt to start anew ruined as entire sixth form moves to Bristol
- 2Fresher dismayed to find cacti, scratch map and wall hanging not actually substitute for personality
- 3Breaking: Theresa May starts filling out extenuating circumstances form
- 4Freshers caught frantically burning skinny jeans under cover of darkness
- 5‘The Noise Pages’ takes matters into their own hands, burns down High Kingsdown