Stalin, Judas and 7 other selfish bastards who used an electric heater in their room
Joseph can’t have been expected to rule the Soviet Union and initiate systematic ethnic cleansing with numb fingers! You know what they say, the coldest wars are constructed from the warmest rooms.
A classic electric heater user. What is the difference between being the only selfish disciple to betray Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane and being the only smug bastard out of twelve housemates with a warm room? Nothing at all.
3. Piers Morgan
He’s a liar, he’s a cheater, and he’s got a big electric heater – Piers is a prime culprit of inconsiderate energy usage if we ever saw one. It does make sense in a way; being the owner of Britain’s most punchable face means you have to be prepared for a daily barrage of frosty interactions. Plus, it’s more difficult to hack the phones of the vulnerable when your hands are chilly!
4. Low scorers on Come Dine With Me
The ‘Neils’ who give a faultless tiramisu a 4/10 in the cab ride home as a tactical and blatantly desperate bid for the £1000 prize money. Neil is shameless, he quite literally does not give a fuck. Not only does Neil move the communal electric heater into his bedroom at night, he also tucks up under a perverted electric blanket.
5. Gary Barlow
Oh, Mumford & Sons are doing well! I better release a pop-folk album. Hey, middle-aged, suburban divorcees think I’m a hunk. I’ll sack off the second Take That reunion and go solo. If there’s one rosy-cheeked Cheshireman ready to rip off everyone else’s shit ideas, it’s Gary. Why? Because he’s never lost sleep jittering with frostbite.
6. Countryside leave voters
Those narcissistic, adrenaline junkies who contributed to a cataclysmic political disaster. They can now be overheard saying ‘woopsy daisy! Is it going to be a bit trickier to take the Cockapoo to Normandy next summer?’ These are the ‘Not In My Back Yarders’, whose own gardens are kitted out with patio heaters and under-grass heating systems whilst their neighbours suffer the biting weather.
7. Katie Hopkins
With a livelihood as a morning television super villain to depend on, Katie needs her eight hours. It has been said that to supplement her own QVC mega-heater, the media witch snatches the duvets and quilts from her innocent children whilst they sleep. That way she’s rested enough to make another insidious public statement.
8. People whose Uber app ‘never works for some reason’
Yes it DOES you sick freak! These are the same people in your presentation group who add their name to the PowerPoint on the day it’s due. They do have the app. It works when they use it on their own. They also have a warmer room than you because they have an electric heater keeping their trotters snug at night.
9. Kanye West cc. Mrs Kardashian West
A strong contender for the most selfish man alive
who is responsible for a pandemic of egotism. A man who literally sells potato
sacks in the guise of designer clothing for thousands of dollars. Employees of
the Yeezus Empire are famously asked to bring their own electric heaters from
home, bow their heads to Kanye whilst on their knees and heat him with them in
the style of an ice-cold Roman God.
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- 5‘The Noise Pages’ takes matters into their own hands, burns down High Kingsdown