Fresher claiming to be ‘completely gone’ actually right there

A first year’s dream of high social status among his peers has been crushed after lying and saying they were ‘completely gone’, when in reality they had not moved at all. John Webber, 18, who was edging ever nearer the top of the social ladder, has suffered a great fall following this horrifying case of bearing false witness.

Nearing the end of a night in Mbargos, John drunkenly announced to his friends that he was ‘completely gone’. However, his course mates almost immediately debunked his claim after proving that he had in fact not moved from a one-meter squared area on the dance floor.

The Whip contacted John for an interview, and he was more than happy to have a chat after his lack of contact with the outside world.

“It was any normal night, expired spoons vouchers, strawpedos and profanity flying all round the gaff – a classic. We ended up at Bargs – again, a classic.

“With me were my course mates, the dream team. We might not be well acquainted, or even get on well, or at all, but we could dance awkwardly near each other until the cows come home.

“I really felt like I was becoming everyone’s best friend, but it all fell through after that moment. Sure, I regret it, but I still don’t think what I said was that bad!

“If I said I was ‘smashed’, would I have to be fragmented into tiny shards? If ‘hammered’, need I be bruised and bloodied? ‘Wrecked’, might I necessitate a marauding catastrophe at a helm in the far clutches of the Pacific? It was a metaphor! Christ.”

The evidently disgruntled, and now startlingly eloquent, John concluded the interview and said his goodbyes. However after announcing that he “was off”, he did stay exactly where he was indefinitely.