‘Do you have a doctor’s note?’ UoB deny extenuating circumstances to headless student

Fury and frustration have engulfed the University of Bristol this week after a student was denied extenuating circumstances despite losing the entirety of his cognitive capabilities. This unfortunately meant he was unable to complete a formative piece of work.

The university’s recent administrative changes mean that it is harder for students to extend essay deadlines through extenuating circumstances. The student in question, Historian Freddie Cullinan, has been severely affected.

A housemate of the second year, who wishes to remain anonymous, told  that Cullinan had ‘been playing the system a bit last year’ and had ‘fabricated football injuries’ and other ‘bizarre ailments’ in order to secure extra essay time. This time though, he insists it is different. We reached out to Cullinan to hear his side of the story.

I know I might be the boy who cried wolf, but honestly in this situation I needed the extra time” he explained. “I got in a bit of rough and tumble with my pet dog back home and he only fucking bit my head off! There was no way I could complete my formative essay on time.”

“The Bristol lifestyle meant that my brain’s capacity to function normally was already pretty limited, if you know what I mean” he quipped. “But with absolutely no head at all I definitely couldn’t get this work in on time, even if I tried.”

A spokesperson from the history department informed The Whip that they ‘stood by the decision’:

“Whilst we sympathise with the student in question, the new guidelines are stringent for a reason.”

“This student is a repeat offender and despite his headlessness, he ought to find the time and the motivation to complete his work. The university is a prestigious institution with very high expectations.”

Supporters of Freddie Cullinan will be protesting along Woodland Road this week and a petition has been created with the aim to make sure he is granted extra time.