‘Please let me die’ begs student’s month-old frozen chilli
Second year Max McNamara’s Quorn and bean chilli made one last desperate plea for euthanasia.
“Just put me in the microwave or the bin or an incinerator or something,” said the chilli, “I’ve grown old and tasteless. I can’t live like this anymore, I am no use to anyone or anything.”
The chilli expressed its desire to book flights to Switzerland, but complained about the paperwork involved: “The process is long but I am so weak from months of icy isolation in this wretched freezer, please for the love of God destroy me.”
Max released a statement earlier today, expressing his sympathy before giving a formal apology. Asking to be stood in front of his “cool” Fight Club poster, he said: “I now regret the actions I have taken in making a chilli that I thought would be a fantastic thing to reheat on a lazy Thursday evening.
“As it turns out ordering in Five Guys on Deliveroo stopped me from ever achieving this, and the poor thing has languished in lonely misery for weeks now. I fully appreciate its plight.”
An online petition to “shuffle the chilli off it’s mortal boil” has received over 2000 signatures from Exeter students and alumni. The chilli responded, “thank you all for giving this disgusting frozen lump a voice once more.”
- 1North London fresher’s attempt to start anew ruined as entire sixth form moves to Bristol
- 2Fresher dismayed to find cacti, scratch map and wall hanging not actually substitute for personality
- 3Breaking: Theresa May starts filling out extenuating circumstances form
- 4Freshers caught frantically burning skinny jeans under cover of darkness
- 5‘The Noise Pages’ takes matters into their own hands, burns down High Kingsdown