‘Start lactating’ and 10 other genuine life hacks to make sure your flatmate doesn’t steal ALL of your milk

1. Start lactating

Homemade, organic and largely cruelty free depending on how hard you had to squeeze your own nipples. But it’s all worth it if it means your pesky co-dweller doesn’t want your bodily fluids splashed all over their Weetabix. For added fun whilst consuming, have an internal debate over breakfast as to whether this is ‘kind of like cannibalism or something’.

2. Create and maintain your own dairy farm

It might sound like a task that financially outstrips the minor milk loss you are currently experiencing, but dairy farms are both profitable and surprisingly easy to maintain with the right commitment and overly impulsive career change. Plus, if you spoke to Aldi at the careers fair you’ll probably be able secure a supermarket partnership from the get go, which will certainly help with the overheads.

3. Hide your milk somewhere they wouldn’t expect milk to be

Milk belongs in the fridge. But wait, there’s no milk in the fridge? Well, that must mean there’s no milk in the ENTIRE HOUSE. Apply the laws of formal logic to this sweet line of reasoning and it checks out. But Psyche! You’re keeping the milk tucked away in a shoe box under your desk. Now you can eat your curds and whey well a-way from them! Just don’t be surprised at a high curds to whey ratio because the milk will most definitely have curdled down there.

4. Convince them they’re lactose intolerant

You keep vomiting after drinking MY milk don’t you? And WHY is that? Maybe it’s because even your stomach can’t tolerate your immoral decisions. That’s right. You are physically unable to process my property. Checkmate. All it takes is a little bit of carefully placed vomit next to their bed in the dead of night and you’re good to go.

5. Add sky blue food colouring and tell them it’s fabric softener

Everyone keeps their fabric softener in the fridge you idiot, that’s how you get the cool and refreshing feel your clothes come out the wash with! If they don’t seem convinced, maintain eye contact with them whilst pouring it into the washing machine, and sell your ruined clothes on a feline fetish site. Profit.

6. Immediately pour it directly into a full box of cereal upon purchase

Oh, you’re having cereal this morning without any milk again? That’s certainly what it looks like you crafty kid. Watch the blissful ignorance fester behind your flatmate’s eyes as you discretely fill your bowl with both milk AND Crunchy Nut simultaneously. Who’s going to grow up and big and strong? I think the answer is clear.

7. Tell them calcium is a myth invented by the government and milk controls our minds

Oh, calcium? That thing you’ve never seen, never heard, never touched, but is supposedly the vital foundation for skeletal well-being? Sounds a bit fishy to me. For added effect, play them an Alex Jones video about the dairy industry whilst whispering ‘it’s all a ruse’ into their ear.

8. Convince them that milk is actually cow semen and that you think it’s extremely weird that they drink it

The trick with this one is to make them so self-conscious about their own milk consumption that they completely forget that you, as well as most of the modern world, also consume milk on a daily basis. Follow your attempt to secure complete psychological control by explaining that everyone they know and love has been talking about it behind their back, and that everyone else stopped drinking milk in the 80s when it’s true nature was revealed. Poorly reference Margaret Thatcher’s milk ban for increased chances of success.

9. Let them beat you in an arm wrestle and tell them they’re strong enough already

Good game mate. You beat me fair and square. Look at the biceps on you! Seems like I’ll be needing every last drop of my semi-skimmed to have a chance against such an exquisite physical specimen. If this is going well, you might be able to convince them to give YOU some of their milk to aid your puny efforts on your journey to become a ‘worthy’ competitor. Rebate!

10. Buy almond milk

Last resort. But they’ll stay well away. Mark my words.