Kim Jong-Un concerned about human rights abuses made by Devonshire Security Services
The North Korean Supreme leader has today hit out at the “overly aggressive” and “downright dangerous” security methods used by Devonshire staff, releasing an official statement that read: Chill out, Dev.
Concerns have been raised by those close to inmates of the maximum-security residence for some time now about routine security malpractices which have led to serious physical and emotional scarring. Earlier today, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DRPK) ruler became the latest world leader to speak out about the unsafe policies being implemented by Devonshire Security Services.
“We in DPRK take security concerns very seriously, but even we cannot condone the hideously oppressive approaches taken at Devonshire Halls. We sent our Forced Labour-Camp chief on a tour there, and the things he reported back made me sick,” said the man who allegedly orchestrated the murder of his exiled half-brother.
“People water boarded for noise complaints; there’s 24 hours solitary confinement for playing catch in the courtyard… it’s sickening stuff. We’ve got in touch with Amnesty international – someone needs to speak out. While our man was out there he saw a student receive 100 lashes for dropping a single crumb in the hallway. It’s barbaric,” lamented the dictator.
A former resident, who wished to remain anonymous, shared her thoughts to The Whip in an exclusive interview.
“It’s like hell on earth. I don’t think I’ll ever fully recover. Nearly all my friends have developed some form of PTSD. I’m just glad powerful people like Supreme Leader Kim are doing the right thing speaking up about it.”
At press time, Saudi Arabian Crown Prince had joined in the condemnation, citing the brutal and repressive torture methods as “a step too far.”
- 1North London fresher’s attempt to start anew ruined as entire sixth form moves to Bristol
- 2Fresher dismayed to find cacti, scratch map and wall hanging not actually substitute for personality
- 3Breaking: Theresa May starts filling out extenuating circumstances form
- 4Freshers caught frantically burning skinny jeans under cover of darkness
- 5‘The Noise Pages’ takes matters into their own hands, burns down High Kingsdown