Literally everyone at SSB gets chlamydia

Queues at the Sidwell Street clinic have reached all-time highs in the last few days as worried students have rushed to hastily arranged appointments in the wake of SSB.

Whilst a large number was expected, The Whip can reveal that an unprecedented 100% of SSB attendees have now been diagnosed with chlamydia.

The ‘Safer Sex Ball’ is named as such to promote the use of contraception and to encourage sex in a safe environment, with this particular safe location being a big dark room full of horny people wearing almost nothing in Torquay.

SSB shocked the world this year when, despite the huge amount of spare tickets being sold second-hand on Overheard, people actually did turn up to the event. The theme of ‘Out of this World’ led to outfits ranging from ‘male wearing pants with some glitter on’ to ‘woman wearing lingerie with some glitter on.’ It has not covered itself in glory, however, in the wake of this scandal.

We caught up with one of the unlucky victims of the epidemic.

“I think the big misunderstanding here was with the name,” explained one anonymous attendee, “I was pretty sure that because it was called the ‘Safer Sex Ball’ I didn’t need to bother with contraception, like in this room it just kinda didn’t spread. I’ve been thoroughly misled.”

Residents in and around the Sidwell Street area have been warned to stay indoors or wear a mask similar to those used by some exchange students, as the STI has since become airborne – simply because the sheer quantity of carriers.