‘I’ve literally done no work,’ says lying workaholic on course for a first

It has emerged today that a third year student on track for a first was reportedly claiming that they had done ‘absolutely no work at all’ despite spending hours in the library pouring over monolithic textbooks.

The news has shaken the friends of Kirsty Dennis, with the Finance student often leaving the house at 9am sharp with a laptop and coffee and not returning until the latter hours of the evening.  

“We thought she was this super motivated, ambitious career driven behemoth with an incredible work ethic” one angst-ridden course pal explained.

“But now that she’s said she’s done nothing at all, it’s made me completely rethink all the times I’ve physically seen her pull 9 hour shifts in library without a break.” He concluded that “It must have been a figment of my imagination.”

However, the self-proclaimed procrastinator’s apparent inability to work has led some to suspect foul play.

“Initially I believed her” said housemate Bella Islington. “And this was all despite never seeing her without a pen in her hand and the periodic exclamations of ‘that’s it!’ from across the ASS.”

She continued “I mean, who would lie about doing nothing when they’ve actually done loads?”

“But then I developed a sneaking suspicion that the heavily creased, tabbed, and annotated textbook Kristy claimed not to have opened has been opened after all. I was shocked.”

Remarkably Ms. Dennis secured a part-time job last week even though the interview was ‘a complete shambles’, and has been offered a graduate job despite “totally failing” all her applications.