Government to use cloakroom signet rings to help redress national debt

Philip Hammond has announced a new bill seeking to solve all the government’s economic challenges. “We have in this country a great resource that has hitherto been ignored.” He said in explained in a press release. “I, of course, refer to signet rings lost in clubs.”

Currently known as ‘SIGGY 19’, the details of the bill are yet to be finalised, but The Whip understands the chancellor would use the reclaimed metal as a means of paying back the nation’s debt. This will be achieved by either by selling them abroad or transforming them into commemorative coins with his face on.

The new policy is to be implemented first in Exeter, as “the value of Exeter’s signet ring reserve currently exceeds the entire inventory of the Royal Mint, so it would be ludicrous for us not to start there.”

Nightclubs such as Timepiece and Fever have pledged their support to the scheme, citing a need to declutter their overflowing cloakrooms. “It’s like Smaug’s lair in there,” moaned one cloakroom attendant, “we appreciate any opportunity to offload them to a better cause.”

Hamish Hicks, who recently lost his family ring after a heavy night at TP at Wednesday night’s Hunting Club social, is one of many against the new scheme: “It is absolutely preposterous, the Chancellor is taking from the wrong sort of person.”

“Regardless of the fact that I have lost over fifty signet rings in my time here at Exeter, they are all family heirlooms belonging to myself and my father. It’s a sacrilege to melt down that crest!”

It seems, however, that these protestations will achieve little in the grand scheme of things as Hammond is set on passing the bill as he seeks to resolve the government’s financial challenges and restore public faith in his tarnished reputation.