‘I already know ALL the letters’: English student explains why they don’t have exams

The growing divides between Arts and Sciences students deepened this week when it emerged that English students are once again not being examined this January. This news, combined with the department member’s intense smugness has irked some students bearing ‘heavier’ workloads.

English course rep Joshua Merton reached out to us so we
could hear his side of the story. He claimed the lack of exams was a natural
bi-product of high performance in term-time:

“It’s very simple” he explained. “English’s high entrance
requirements means fewer dullards, which equals more competent creatives
capable of learning all twenty-four of the letters in a very short space of
time. This essentially means we have no need for exams.”

The second year also revealed he feels ‘deeply bitter’ towards a number of Science subject departments that he sees as responsible for the negative press English has received.

“Imagine for a sec that you’re one of those freaks. You’ve
probably never even heard of the letter ‘X’. Probably wouldn’t come up in Maths,
that Serbonian Bog of ones and zeros. You probably just thought “X” was just a
Kiss, didn’t you? A little something to put on the end of LinkedIn messages to
your future corporate overlords?”

“Well, you might want to sit down for this pal – it’s a
fucking letter. My turf” the undergrad growled.

He emphasised to The
the breadth of thinking English produces in its students:

“The knowledge of these letters encourage us to engage with
culture. You’ve probably never even heard of David Bowie or Doc Marten Luther
King. Yeah, they live outside of your graphs. Not a part of your fucking Venn
Diagram either, are they?”

“Well, newsflash. They were musicians, activists and
erstwhile shoe-makers. Multi-faceted – or, in terms you might understand, like
a Rubik’s Cube. Exams don’t make you like a Rubik’s cube. Letters do. So leave
us alone with our ABCs.”