First year’s perfectly crafted new persona shattered after home friends visit
Fresher Todd Curdle has been exposed for what he is (a beige midlands teen) and what he is not (a fashionable, fascinating, musically-orientated man) after a few of his school pals came to Leeds for the weekend.
After spending all summer in the basement of his Leamington Spa bungalow devising “the personification of perfection,” Todd knew he’d created a modern masterpiece.
“I knew Todd had no chance of a good time at uni” the History student explained, referring to himself in the third person. “So I got to work concocting a new man. A new Todd: Ted.
“Ted is a handsome maverick, everyone gravitates towards him. Even the blind.
“He’s clever, but not pretentious. He’s confident, but not arrogant. He’s politically aware, but not in your face, y’know? And my God is he mysterious.’
But soon, like a spider’s home in partial showers, the poor fresher’s web of lies disintegrated.
His friends from home had decided to come up and pay him a surprise visit. Dubbed the ‘sad lowlifes that old me hung out with’, Jamie, Tom and Rick savaged Ted’s turtle neck and chain combo, his expansive collection of ‘used, empty’ baggies, and even discovered the rolling machine he keeps padlocked in a box under his bed.
Exposed and shamed, a melancholy air now follows Todd Curdle as he roams the halls of James Baillie Park. Desperate to keep his persona alive, he occasionally shoots a finger gun at passers-by, but now is only ever met with disdainful glares.
Who knows what the future has in store for Todd, but it certainly isn’t friends.
- 1North London fresher’s attempt to start anew ruined as entire sixth form moves to Bristol
- 2Fresher dismayed to find cacti, scratch map and wall hanging not actually substitute for personality
- 3Breaking: Theresa May starts filling out extenuating circumstances form
- 4Freshers caught frantically burning skinny jeans under cover of darkness
- 5‘The Noise Pages’ takes matters into their own hands, burns down High Kingsdown