Loud, insufferable boy elects self as presentation group leader

Thanks to Ofsted tick-box regulations, students from all disciplines are forced time after time to give collaborative class presentations against their will. This ‘group work’ traditionally involves a few people who do all the work, one or two who don’t show up at all and one total prick who does the bare minimum and takes all the credit.

The latter is typically, but not exclusively, a loud, insufferable boy. The Whip spoke to the University’s Head of Nonsensical Learning, Harold Jacobson to confirm whether this was the case.

“Ooh yes! Without a doubt: there is always one chap whose bark is excessively larger than his bite, if you know what I mean. It’s part and parcel of presentation work, having someone do diddly squat in the run up and then really deliver, you know, shine on the day. It’s good practise for the real world!”

These boys are the ones who suggest that their group, a random and dissimilar assortment of students with little to nothing in common, meet in the pub because it’s more ‘chill’ and then cancels 5 minutes before the agreed time.

They then arrive on presentation day and introduce themselves as group leader, welcome the class who are timetabled to be there, read from a script someone else has written for them VERY AUDIBLY, and finish by thanking the class profusely for listening to a presentation they are, again, timetabled to watch.

Our reporter got in touch with Ralph Pearson, a young man who piggy-backed his way to a 68 in his last English presentation, despite doing fuck all.

Pearson offered The Whip some tips on how to get away with it, “A classic from me is, I overhear a fellow student say something insightful and relevant and I repeat it loudly and with more joie de vivre, more umph, something the girls can’t seem to get down. That way it seems like my original idea, my contemporary is undermined and I walk off as Mr Big Shot.

“It also doesn’t hurt to throw around a few generic compliments like ‘so true’ and ‘great point, Laura’. Not to mention, sending a wink or two goes a long way, particularly with the tutors.

“When it comes to results, if I could pass on just one message to the boys it’s this- ‘first’ and ‘flirt’ are only one letter apart. Coincidence?”