Next episode of Attenborough’s Dynasties to focus on Exeter College students

The Whip understands that an all-new episode of David Attenborough’s Dynasties will be aired next week, focusing on the extraordinary life of Exeter College students.

“As the colder season draws in, student territories swell with menace. The benches and cafes outside of Exeter Central are now play host to dozens of brash youths, who viciously harangue locals, commuters and university students alike,” narrates Attenborough in an excerpt from the episode. 

“Effective pack hunters,” continues the British national treasure, “the school children will leer at any prey who dare to venture through the city centre, puffing out their Ellesse clad chests and raving about the apparent superiority of the new T-level qualification, to much confusion.”

One of the more disparaging scenes from this episode involves a desperate group of college hopefuls desperately attempting to get into the Chevalier Inn after 21:00. The bouncer, looming over the optimistic ID-lacking juveniles, struggles to maintain composure as they jest with the impressive figure.

Amidst garbled insults, they suddenly attack in full-force, the verbal assault almost too much for the lone bouncer to withstand. In a scene Attenborough himself described as “an utter shambles”, the Wetherspoons staff bellows a furious warcry: “bugger off you little shits” and caused the two students to hurriedly flee the battlefield.

Attenborough himself commented that “it is rare to see such a fascinating hybrid mentality as seen in these students: in their ravenous attempt to purloin cigarettes and lighters from their friends they are like seagulls lurking outside a chippy; in their fashion sense, they follow fleeting trends like sheep; and perhaps most intriguingly their college results cumulatively match the intelligence levels of everyone’s favourite mollusc, the slug.”