Flat Christmas dinner scheduled for Thursday, March 24th, 4am

With Christmas just around the corner, students everywhere are negotiating with their co-habitants in order to find a moment to sit down, break bread together and celebrate the festive season.

Unfortunately, hundreds of undergraduate’s busy social
calendars have led to friction between flatmates. One group of Bristol
attendees have found that they have a window of only 24 minutes to sit down
together – at 4AM, March 24th 2019.

Upon hearing this news, we tracked down Drama student and
lead tenant of the property Bertie Simons, who revealed that he was still looking
forward to the dinner despite the logistical issues:

“I can’t wait! I literally can’t F-L-I-P-P-I-N-G wait to get
festive and funky with my fellows” he explained. “It’s a right shame that
everyone’s so effin-jeffin busy; but that’s just the way the Pumpkin pie
crumbles. This goose got away – for a few months at least! Still, it’s going to
be fantabulous. I’m going to mull everything – even the water! 4AM 24/3/2019 –
I’m BLIMMIN’ coming for you!” 

However, The Whip found out that Dinner had not only been postponed due to organisational difficulties, but also because a certain flatmate was a ‘bit too Christmassy.’

“Bertie seemed alright when we decided to live with each other
two weeks into first year. We both liked eggs, which was pretty jokes. But now?
I wouldn’t call him a flatmate, more of a flatquaintance. Just has a weird
vibe. Bit OTT. The rest of us would all prefer to just celebrate Christmas with
our families, so we’ve tried to put the whole thing off as long as possible.”

In news that only adds to tensions, Bertie’s housemate Tom
Whitford reportedly cannot be there until 4:10 at the earliest, depending on
when he leaves Motion:

“I’ve frozen a couple of Xmas Sandwich Meal Deals so I guess
I can just reheat them when I’m back from the club” Mr Whitford remarked. “As
long as he’s happy with drum and bass instead of Bublé and keeps shtum I guess
I can hack it for an afters. Might actually be kind of trippy watching him sit
there – paper crown on, turkey and Mash, sprouts, a ‘funny’ cut-out of his nan.
The shite, lonely, Christmas king, grinning through the fag-smoke.”

“Bet he does a cracker with himself. And I don’t mean Nos.”