Fresher studies metaphysics, concludes nothing is real, goes to the pub

Reports have emerged this morning of a first year who, after catching up on a bit of reading for his Philosophy Discovery module, decided the only viable option was to go to the pub and get wasted.

Having lived a simple life on the outskirts of Manchester before coming to Leeds, Rick Blind had never before grappled with debates concerning the reality of the world we live in. After reading Plato and Descartes he was forced to conclude on the non-existence mind, self – and on a very fundamental level – reality.

The Whip learnt more about Rick’s existential crisis.

“I’ve never thought this way before,” Rick slurred; Amstel in one hand, double vodka cranberry in the other.

“I was prepping for a seminar and it just started playing with my head. I looked down at my hand, and I couldn’t figure out if it was actually my hand, or just the projection of a hand imprinted on my brain… and then I started thinking about my brain, and it all just got too much.

“Then, I figured, if everything is fabricated and emotion is merely a simulation, the visceral joy of getting truly, truly pissed is about the closest I’ll ever get to feeling something genuinely real. So, I made the short walk down from Edward Boyle to Old Bar and got the beers in.”

In fairness, Rick could be onto something here. If he’s right and scepticism is the answer to the ontological debate, then going to the pub is a pretty sound response to the end of epistemology.

And if he’s wrong, the international community’s half-arsed response to climate change means we’ll all be dead in 40 years anyway, so may as well get the beers in while we can.

Fair play, Rick. Bottoms up!