Glastonbury cancelled in favour of week long Quids In

After some deliberation, organisers of Glastonbury festival decided this week that they would not be hosting the internationally-acclaimed event in 2019. Instead, The Whip can reveal, the funds will be diverted to a new event: a week long Quids In.

The event, usually held to great acclaim on Thursday nights at Unit 1, was deemed a suitable replacement when organisers trawled through the photos of sweaty students, balding locals & cringe-inducing VK bolters and were impressed with what they saw.

A spokesman for the organisers said as follows: “we’ve had our time in the, well, not sun, pouring rain and decided it was night time to pass the mantle onto another worthy establishment, and Unit 1 in Exeter was the obvious successor.”

Unit 1 wasted no time in announcing plans for a week-long night of Quids-In to supersede Glastonbury. “Honestly, who could compete with Quids?” said Chris Martin, whose band Coldplay was one of the acts due to headline next year.

Some remain sceptical that Unit 1 will be able to emulate the experience of Glastonbury, however Unit 1 spokesperson Liz Sharpe dismissed the naysayers, deeming that “they’ve obviously never endured the raw, fervent energy that pulses from that tacky dancefloor and flows from those puddles that build-up under the urinals.”

A decision has been made to bring in no guest performers, but instead to play the legendary mix of Martin Solveig’s ‘Intoxicated’ and Skepta’s ‘That’s Not Me’ for the entire week-long event.

“Honestly, I don’t care what music they play as long as VKs are still a quid, I’m skint,” admitted future attendee Cole Freeth, whilst a decidedly dull boy standing adjacent to him repeatedly droned on with such phrases as “OMG I love Quids! Best night out in Exeter!” and “I love VKs so much! Do you fancy a bolt off?”