Student surprised to find post on anonymous message board does not lead to wife, kids and a house in the suburbs

Painful disappointment struck one member of Bristol’s lively online community this week after a completely untraceable ‘Briscrush’ containing no identification or contact details surprisingly had zero romantic consequences.

The student and Briscrush poster contacted The Whip to recount his state of utter shock at not meeting the love of his life through a message on the popular page. The undergraduate in question, who was willing to identify himself only as ‘the tall boy with short brown hair wearing grey trackies in the Chemistry building today’, expressed his sorrow at his inability to track down his supposed soulmate.

“I thought they were the one” he explained. “A fellow chemistry student, blonde hair, beautiful eyes…she even goes down the Cantock steps one by one rather than two at a time. When I saw this, and I don’t want to come across as if I’m jumping to conclusions or anything, but I knew she was the one to bear my children. But she never got back to me.”

He continued “I don’t know why, to be honest. Apart from posting no discernible pieces of information that could be identified as relating to myself in any way whatsoever, I did everything I could.”

However, other users of the web page have utilised the mysterious nature of their posts as part of a cunning plan to filter the right types of people. One of them laid out their game plan:

“Why should I need to provide a means for them to contact me? The cryptic nature of my posts means that anyone who can be bothered to work out who I am and track me down is guaranteed to be into me. It’s ingenious.”

Optimistic for the future, both students told us that they plan to explore other avenues in their pursuit of their soul mate, such as smoke signals or scrawling on the doors of pub toilets.