In a deluded moment of optimism sixth-former Josh Smyth, 16, from Swindon, has expressed earnest hope of finally finding some kind of love interest when he moves onto higher education despite being an ugly, insipid nobody.
It is conventional wisdom that the Geography, Spanish and History student is in desperate need of braces, an immediate ground-up wardrobe overhaul, and a shower “approximately as long as his odds of ever finding a girl to fancy him”. Nonetheless, the sanguine teen has confidence in his prospects of ultimately bagging some genuine human intimacy upon the commencement of his Politics degree at Warwick.
A reporter spoke to him on Sunday evening.
“I’ve heard that at university everybody has loads of sex with each other because there’s so much alcohol floating about. Although that definitely sounds like my kinda thing, I’ve also got aspirations of actually having a long-term relationship with a beautiful second year.
“Maybe she’ll be called Aurora or Bella or something. Regardless, she’ll be both stunning and mine [emphasis his], because – as you know – as soon as you get to that age, everyone gets some action.
“It’ll also be great to experience at least some momentary respite from the crushing loneliness that so defines my life, and finally shaft something aside from this disgusting, hairy little paw I call my left hand.”