A second year student has been rejected by her entire social circle after it came to light that her smartphone screen is intact.
French student Natalie explained how she was ostracised for being “too fucking good” to hang out with her less organised, clumsier, avant-garde friends.
“I don’t understand the hatred aimed at me,” she lamented, “I really don’t. It’s not that difficult to keep your phone in good condition, just put it in a case and try not to drop it.”
“They tried telling me that having an uncracked screen indicated my implicit support for certain societal norms – in particular capitalism – and that by taking a hammer to it I could symbolically realign with their post-mainstream worldview.
The Whip asked one of the accused friends why they felt so strongly about her friend’s telephone looking a certain way.
“I mean come on, it’s just part of our aesthetic. A cracked screen matches my vibe, it says ‘I’m not afraid to have a good time and cut loose,’ and ‘no, I’m not going to accept the dogma of the everyman, or the toxic neoliberal agenda that he unintentionally supports.’ You get me?
Seriously, an uncracked phone is an affront to everything I hold dear, from Sartrean liberalism to dingers in La-kotes, and I’m fed up with it, frankly.”